she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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