my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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