If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
