Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
