I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
