I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
