I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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