If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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