Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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