Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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