I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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