she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
