Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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