considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
