you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
