K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
