He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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