my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
