My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
