Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
