I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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