god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
