i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
