You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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