Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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