jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
