Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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