I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
