god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
