Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
