my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
