I'm so fucking centered right now
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
