***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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