the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
