I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
