Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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