He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
