those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
