"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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