proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Vodka?
Forever.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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