A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
