Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
