He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
