He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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