evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
