yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
