Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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