can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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