my soul wont recognize me after tonight
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
