My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
