I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
