I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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