I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
