DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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