The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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