It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
