my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
