So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize