So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
