If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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