his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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