before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
