Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
