I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize