Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
